Being the only child of my parents, I feel so familiar with jealousy that occurs in every people’s life from time to time; yet I understand about it. But I think I’m not the only one, even my super cool friends who are relatively good in controlling their emotions can be jealous to their partners, friends’ of their partners, successful friends, public figures, or strangers sometimes. We can notice the jealousy comes by the pace of our breath after seeing someone do things better than us, by the time we became grumpy to ourselves, by the time we felt insecure and unfulfilled, by the time we constantly compare ourselves to the quality that other’s people have – all of them suck the happiness in ourselves. Especially when the jealousy is directed to someone we can relate.
Alain de Botton helped me to understand it well that the reason of jealousy comes from the fact that we can relate to someone who has something we desire. Alain took an example of why we don’t feel jealous to Queen Elizabeth, even though she was born from a wealthy and aristocrat family, has huge houses across England, wear diamonds crown and other fancy material things everyone wants; the reason why we don’t feel jealous to Queen Elizabeth is because we cannot relate to her and she speaks weirdly :p (I love Alain de Botton!). He later explained that we are likely to be jealous when coming to school reunion and hangout with successful people in our age.
I was surprised how accurate it is.
I’m not jealous at all to the Queen of England, it’s just totally unrelatable. But it’s hard not to be jealous to someone who got a successful career than me even though they are not bright, to the girl who always misspell English words but can make a better income than me, to the rude girl who has a good boyfriend who loves her as she is. I felt I wanna punch the wall sometimes. Ha ha!
But the more I thought about it, the less happier I become.
Then I realized that I should control my jealousy because it sucks to be unhappy. I began shifting my direction to myself and not to other people. I showered myself with kindness and understanding that everyone has a good and bad side that cannot be oversimplified by the job, the level of intelligence, their fluency and concerns about English grammar, the relationships they have. I also tried to improve myself by identifying things I don’t like about myself and do something about it: I really hate myself when I feel stupid, therefore I read more books; I don’t like when I explained something vaguely, I started to write again; I don’t like being too skinny and unhealthy, I exercise everyday, I eat good food, I dress up – basically I do things that make me feel better about myself.
The second thing is to accept that jealousy is an emotion which is same like sad and anger. To be jealous is normal and we should always control our emotions as an adult. In a relationship, I tried to see things from stranger’s perspectives and the kind of relationship I’m in. I should not feel jealous to the girls who are emotionally close to my partner, I believe that a man who values me will always try to respect my feelings by keeping the openness and honesty as our fundamental traits. I should control my jealousy if it’s an open or casual relationship and try to distant myself when things get too attached. (we will talk about it later ;))
The world is full of wonderful people who can do things better than us; but we are the only person who can stand for ourselves at best. By being kind-loving to ourselves, focus our attention on our self-development and understanding our emotions, we can be the better version of us, even though when the jealousy arises sometimes.